I sat a little over two years ago and wrote this...
In my 29 years of life, I've never lost something so dear to me as I did this past October. I'd never mourned the way I did for a complete 5 days... and going. The passing of my dear papa was unexpected. Even as we were all called and slowly made our way to the hospital we never thought Papa wasn't coming out of this one. He had been in far worse situations over the years. "Papa always recovers" is what we were all thinking. Monday night he breathed his last, we were and still are heartbroken. The past week gives a truer meaning to the quote "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all".
Today and over the past week, I continue to think about death. Asking questions like why does it hurt so much, why are we never ready for someone to leave, why are some taken so quickly and tragically, why do I think so often my life and my world are invincible. The questions could go on forever but something still remains... death.
It had been almost to the date 16 months since the death of my papa that some of our closest friends and someone that I had spent much of my grade school and teenage years with tragically died in a car crash. He was only 27 years old. So many more questions come, why would God take the life of someone whose life is just really getting started, why did this seem like a good time for his life to end, why, why, why. My papa was 76 his life was full. He had everything he ever desired and so much more but we still weren't ready to see him go and be taken from us without a moments notice. Talon was engaged, had been working in a job he loved for just a year, had just signed to build his first home. No one could have ever been ready for his life to end. I am also forced to remember funerals for babies and toddlers that I have sat through and more questions flood.
So I sit here and still think about death. I've been studying Genesis for the past month and the past few days I've been reminded of a few things concerning death.
Firstly, we were never made to experience separation, especially the separation death brings. When God originally made us death wasn't a thing. Death didn't come to be till after the fall of mankind. Sin entered the world and with it came pain and death and separation.
Secondly, death teaches us so much about our own physical and mental limitations. I am a mere mortal. Even though I too often believe I am invincible, death will find me and prove to me again that I am not God. I serve a God that knows times and seasons, a God that knows the number of hairs on my head and who has ordained the number of days I will live on the earth. Death sure has a way of humbling me. Though in my mind death doesn't make sense in the way that it creeps in so frequently and just takes what was once living God, knows and I can trust him. In my physical body, I am reminded that death can take me too and when it's not me my heartaches and it's heavy with pain from the loss of a friend.
Finally, I am reminded that this isn't forever! Because in the garden of Eden there also existed the tree of life! Through Jesus, we gain access to that tree. God sent his son to die for me. Jesus experienced the pain of separation from his Father on the cross. He knows the pain and grief that death brings and he wants to comfort us in our pain. He also wants us as believers to remember that this is not our home and the tears we cry now will be wiped away and eternity awaits us!
So even in the hardest of times, we can still say that God is God and he is good. We can also repent and say I am not God and sometimes what God says is good doesn't feel good. I too can fight to rest in the fact that death is one of those things that will never make sense in my mind because I wasn't made for death. So as I as continue to learn to mourn and feel all that God desires me to feel through death I have a hope, an everlasting hope. Through all of the pain, I can still say it is well with my soul because I have my gaze fixed on the life to come.
the most wonderful time of the year
This Christmas my eyes have been lifted. My prayer has been for my heart to notice others. To see outside of myself. It's been a sweet Advent reading through Old Testament stories and seeing Jesus. Because is there a better way to see outside of yourself than to look to Jesus??
As I have looked up one thing I've noticed is that maybe this isn't the most wonderful time of the year for many people. This season brings added stress and pressures from the world. You need the perfectly decorated house. The sweetest new cookie recipe. The lists of gifts to buy and stores to visit are endless. The realization that you want what you don't have and can't afford. Oh and don't forget that your presents need to be wrapped in matching gift wrap with bows and gift tags. The world puts expectations on Christmas that were never meant to be there. No wonder so many people are putting on fake smiles and pretending their credit limit doesn't exist.
I sat at a traffic light this week and watched a lady cry. She was so broken and I honestly have no idea why... but I hurt for her. She has no idea I noticed and her and has no idea that she helped me see truth. Life brings so many different sorrows each day and this doesn't stop because it's Christmas. Instead of pretending we are joyful or trying to keep up with our cultures definition of Christmas what if we were real. Real with ourselves, real with each other, and real with Jesus. Be broken because life sometimes stinks yet be joyful because Jesus came to redeem you. This season should be the most wonderful time of the year not because of the things you give or the things you get, but because we are reminded of Jesus who came to call us to himself and to give us an eternal hope.
Christmas time can bring so many different things to people. In the past week I've seen new life and i've also seen death. A new life that has an opportunity to glory in God and an ended physical life only to enter in eternal life with Jesus. You have a family rejoicing in the miracles of God and another family mourning the loss of a mother, a grandmother, a wife. Sorrowful yet always rejoicing.
Life continues in and through the month of December. The hustle and bustle just may be a waste. I don't want my life to be defined by the world. And I definitely don't want the celebration of my Savior's birth to be defined by a culture that has drifted from Truth. So a redefining of "the most wonderful time of the year" must occur. Instead of more shopping may I pray more for those who I know are hurting. Instead of trying to decorate every part of my home may I consider how to decorate the hearts and lives of those who are in need. Instead of making a wish list may a be thankful for what has already been given. Instead of living out of a false joy found in a false hope in Santa may I be a happy little creature sitting in the realities of life wrapped in the redeeming grace of Christ.
May we all be reminded of Jesus this Christmas. May this season be wonderful! A wonderful time of realness looking to the eternal glory to come where every day will be like Christmas as we dwell with the one we celebrate! May the world see your joy in Christ and desire the eternal joy found in His grace!
Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions,hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.
2 Corinthians 6:2b-10
washed with water
This past weekend I had the sweet opportunity to baptize one of the girls I have been able to directly and indirectly disciple for the past three years. Gina became a follower of Christ in high school through young life and had never been baptized. The Lord had recently brought her to the conclusion that she needed to follow in obedience and be baptized. This sign of her faith didn't seal the deal and she is no more of a Christian than she was the day before, but what a sweet moment to realize God uses his word, the local church, and even me to work in the growing obedience of his children.
I go back and forth between whether or not I think baptism should be done by pastors or can be done by just anyone who is a follower of Christ. Today, I am very thankful the Lord brought me to the decision that it is okay for me to participate in the baptism of a life that I am deeply invested. I was filled with great joy as I remembered the nights sent looking at scripture and the afternoons just spent chatting in dorm rooms. I was reminded that my labor is not in vain and the giving of my dear partners serves a great purpose. Yes my hands were the ones doing the physical dunking, but their were many other hands represented because of the faithfulness in giving and prayers for the gospel to go forth through me.
In him also you were circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, by putting off the body of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead.
Colossians 2:11-12
summer travels
For those who don't know this summer I spent the month of July in Thailand and Dubai. Three week were spent in three different cities in Thailand and then my final week was spent in Dubai in the United Arab Emirates.
Thailand. The land of smiles. What a joy this country was to me. We (myself and five others) landed in Bangkok on July 5. This was a lot more calm than my landing in India or Bangladesh. Waiting for us at the airport was a friend of our church and now a dear friend to us all. We loaded up all of our stuff and headed into the heart of Bangkok. At first sight Bangkok looks like any US major city, high rises, metro, people, traffic, etc. Bangkok was very westernized and not the 'culture shock' some of us were hoping or expected. You begin to see the southeast Asian flair as you spend time there, eat the food, and engage with the people. This first week was my favorite week of the entire month! We went strong that week in the university engaging with students and teaching English. What a joy it was to build friendships with these Thai students. They loved us our well and welcomed us the entire time we spent in Bangkok. The hospitality seen and experienced in Thailand was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I loved most the food that I ate but I could never get hungry because I was constantly being feed by these dear people. The students took us to a Thai fondue buffet, to a market to try street food, and they also took us to a weekend market to enjoy some shopping. It was sad to say goodbye to these sweet new friends and I pray we have left an imprint in their lives.
Though much of our time was spent with students one of the things I enjoyed most was spending time with the family we met their in Bangkok. Getting a glimpse of their life was humbling. The love they show for the Thai was encouraging. The sacrifices they make daily was motivating. When traveling I love getting to know the people I meet and hear their stories. I am continually learning that there is so so much more to people than what we may see or perceive. What a joy it is see God's faithfulness in their lives and to link arms with them as family in the faith.
The second week was spent vacationing in south Thailand! Krabi was a beautiful little beach town. This was the very first time I have been over seas with no agenda. It was a quick four days but what an adventure we had! Even though I was there to relax and refuel it was so hard for me not to be able to go into the homes and learn about the lives of the south Thai people. There is something that brings out my curiosity when I'm immersed in a new culture among a new people group. I love discovering new things. It brings joy to me heart.
Thailand was also very heartbreaking to me. Everywhere you turn people are offering sacrifices to idols. I am still at a loss for words to express just where my heart was when I continually passed idol after idol. People giving there life to something that doesn't bring freedom. Something that doesn't lavish grace. Something that can't express or give love back. I was reminded so often of Jesus. Jesus who came to fulfill and swallow up the law. Jesus was came to love. Jesus who came to offer us freedom. I was also humbled and grateful that it is by faith that I have been saved and not by my works.
The back half of my trip was spent teaching 4 & 5 year old in vacation bible school. We had the children almost all day long. What an exhausting joy it was teach and entertain them. It was sweet to know we were encouraging their parents to able to meet and engage with others in their company. These children, all beings third world kids, were overwhelmingly excited to engage with other kids that spoke their same language. It is crazy what we take for granted so often. As a child what a joy it is to play and build friendships with others like you. Can you imagine a childhood where that joy doesn't exist. When your neighbors all speak a different language and you just want to teach them how to play duck duck goose but can't use words. Seeing the joy in the eyes of the children was a sweet reminder of God's goodness. God cares for a simplest needs and he knew that playing a game of tag with some familiarity is just what these kids needed.
During my last two weeks abroad what has become most dear to me is the relationships that I built with other members of my church. I enjoyed getting to know them and really just spending time around them. I am learning more and more that proximity has such an important role in relationships. Before we left my pastor asked me who I'd enjoyed getting to know and spend time with on the trip... after thinking about more I'd say it was him and his wife. They are great and hope I find myself in another country with them again one day!
Back in the states now and back on the college campus! It's crazy that this starts year six. Each year though as I think about what I am doing and what I could be doing I cam convinced that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. As I travel and see the world and invest in others and their areas I think that where I am is still one of the most strategic places for me to be. While gone several people asked me why I'm not teaching and I can say right now I am just not there. My heart and desire is to glorify God by building laborers on the campus so they may be sent into the world!
The Blue House in the Circle
Five years ago last weekend I graduated from the College of Charleston. That next day I began raising support for Campus Outreach, a college ministry. Little did I know what the past five years would bring. Once I reached full support I headed to Charleston to serve at Charleston Southern University. After that first year I learned a lot about myself. Each day I went on the campus and tried my hardest. I had no idea what I was doing. That next year the Lord was so gracious to provide a house for us to do ministry. The Blue House in the Circle. The past four years this house has been a home for many. I do not even remember who all has lived with me. In the beginning of this some told me I was crazy and I often wondered if they were right. The door has always been open to students from the university, so the number of people who have walked through our doors is only counted from the tracks in the carpet.
My excitement and prayer from the beginning was that this would be a place for the gospel to go forth. And as I sit and think over the past four years I do believe the Lord did so much more than I could have asked or imagined. I get teary eyed thinking of the all conversations that started at the table and ended on the couch which was usually followed by a movie. The many bible studies, discipleship groups, or individual times in the Word. In our old house students came in and left with at least a seed of the gospel planted. Our back yard has been used for ministry events from student birthdays, Halloween, super bowl parties to sleep overs. Students decided to follow Jesus right there in the midst of everything else going on. I pray that the seeds that were planted in that house will continue to grow and that the ones who follow us as new renters will continue the legacy that was began.
As I sat in my room and continued to pack my belongings the tears began to flow for yet another time. As I say good bye to this house I am so sad. I feel like I am saying goodbye to so much more.. and I am. Moving out is yet another reality that Campus Outreach will no longer be ministering to students at CSU. I feel like I'm leaving part of my family behind. I also, for the probably the first time in four years, have been able to sit at the feet of Jesus and just say "thank you". I naturally have a Martha spirit 75% okay maybe 90% of the time. So just to be Mary and sit with Jesus and reflect on all that the Lord has done has been so refreshing. My heart is full of gratitude and overflowing with joy. I am so thankful the Lord saw it fit for me to serve students at CSU and so thankful the Lord graciously provided me and my students a place to gather. A place where I could serve my people. A place were we could be with Jesus together. A place where I could be me. Most of all I am so thankful for this season where the Lord has forced me to slow down and just glory in the cross. A season where I have no idea what is going on in the future yet I look back with gladness and forward with laughing. A season were I must be dependent on Jesus because I've come to realize my independence will get me no where.
The blue house was a sweet place but today I'm looking to the future without fear and claiming the goodness, sovereignty, and provision of my Jesus.
Martha, Martha, you are anxious about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her. Luke 10:41-42
People of the Book
What in the world does that mean, "people of the Book"? What book and how can I as person be of a book?
Well the book just so happens to be the Word of God himself... more commonly known as the Bible. And being a person of this book simply means that your life reflects the words in between the two covers.
I spend some time each week at the college I begrudgingly entered in as a freshman almost nine years ago. Doesn't seem that it has been that long ago. I moved into my dorm room in downtown Charleston with high hopes to be packing my bags and moving back to the Upstate in a few short months, but little did I know that God had different plans for me.
Well the book just so happens to be the Word of God himself... more commonly known as the Bible. And being a person of this book simply means that your life reflects the words in between the two covers.
I spend some time each week at the college I begrudgingly entered in as a freshman almost nine years ago. Doesn't seem that it has been that long ago. I moved into my dorm room in downtown Charleston with high hopes to be packing my bags and moving back to the Upstate in a few short months, but little did I know that God had different plans for me.
This is a picture of the heart of my beautiful campus. Many come to see this area when they come to Charleston. Many people have been engaged right here or have there wedding pictures taken here. Students enter this area as freshmen and anxiously await the day when they will also walk across a stage and receive their diploma in the same spot. In the spring, summer, and fall this place would be full of students and visitors going a walk, stopping for lunch, conversations with friends, or homework in the sun.
When I sit and see this place it has so much more meaning than most students. Yes I did graduate here and yes many fun memories happened with great friends in this yard. But as I walk through here now as a graduate and almost five years of college ministry behind me what comes to mind is the first day I truly began to become a "people of the book". It was the kindness and grace of Jesus that allowed me to come to a school that I knew nothing about and that same kindness and grace that placed a girl in my life that took the time to share with me what she had been taught. A passion and desire to know God's word began in that green grass. It began with a dear friend teaching me how to study the word of God using Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. The truth of the word of God soaked into my heart, mind, and spirit and I still can't get enough! That September afternoon was the first time anyone had ever took the time to teach me how to study scripture and the first time I realized the God of the Universe, the God I called Lord and Savior wanted me to know understand his word and his character as he transformed me into Christ likeness. I began to long to read and know the Word of God. Studying it brought and still brings me great delight as well as challenges me to walk in the standards not of the world but of God. This hour spent with a friend transformed my life forever.
Almost nine years later I continue to study the word and God and pray that I will continue to be a person of the Book. That my life and heart would reflect that of Jesus. And I take great delight in sitting down with college students just like me and teaching them how to study the Word of God and praying that they would become people of the Book. I never would have thought that one day during my freshmen year of college would transform all of my hopes, dreams, passions, etc. But it happened. All because of scripture piercing my heart and a God-given passion to teach and help women know the Word of God. The Lord continues to give me a bigger and greater desire to help women to know and understand scripture, for women to desire not emotional experiences but desire to make biblical decisions and convictions for themselves and families (if they have one), and for women to understand for the Lord has purposed for women in the Kingdom of God! What a joy it is to see women for the first time studying, meditating, praying, and rejoicing over scripture all to know God and make Him known!
So thank you sweet friend. Thank you for walking in obedience. Though you were young and still learning yourself, you took the time to invest and because of that I am forever grateful for you. Thank you for being a part in what God had and still has for me.
"For who has despised the day of small things?..." Zechariah 4:10
JOY: 2015 word
As I have thought about choosing a word for this year since before the new year I have thought about so many sweet memories of this past year. Opportunities the Lord gave me to just trust. Trusting in Him is the sweetest place to be and leaning in and even trusting when I really wanted to doubt taught me more about the Lord then I could have ever imagined. Trusting was also difficult. I often doubted, I often doubt. But oh how sweet it is sweet to stretched and challenged to trust when we can't see the outcome. As much as I just wanted to keep the same word I decided not to, but this doesn't mean I stop trusting. I pray my life is a demonstration of what is looks like to trust in Jesus in every breath.
As January is about to reach it's halfway point I have decided my word will be JOY. One of my dear students (and friend) made me think about having a word such as joy. She told me it should be something that makes my heart leap (at least that's what I think she was trying to tell me..). So I considered this. Asking myself, "what makes my heart leap"? I looked to the Lord through his word and prayer. I looked around me at my current circumstances. I thought about areas in my life where I desired growth. And somehow and for some reason the word JOY kept coming to mind. By nature I'm learning I am very much a pessimist so I often refuse joy and for some reason choose frustration, anger, or apathy. Also, I'm a realist, so often joy is difficult when I see the state of the world for what is it. I think JOY is going to be literally life changing is that I have a need to revamp my definition of joy. When I'm waiting, anxious, annoyed, confused, etc. I can't seem to grasp joy. My understanding of the Lord and His joy is so shallow. Though in the midst of this first month of January many many people and families around me are struggling. They are in seasons of drought. seasons of suffering. How can there be joy is seasons where you are staring at death's front door? How can there be joy when there is so much sin and rebellion in the world? How can there be joy when you just want to sit and ask the Lord why? How can there be joy when you are disappointed yet again?
There is joy for those who are in Christ Jesus. There is joy because we have hope in what's to come. There is joy because I deserve death and wrath everyday but Jesus chose to be obedient to death on a cross so that I might have life. JOY. May I not allow the world to define my joy. May I not allow the world to steal my joy. May my joy be full and complete in Jesus. May my joy be defined by the cross of my savior!
So this year my prayer for myself is that
May I see more and know more of the Lord in the year 2015. Teach me. Mold me. Change me.
As January is about to reach it's halfway point I have decided my word will be JOY. One of my dear students (and friend) made me think about having a word such as joy. She told me it should be something that makes my heart leap (at least that's what I think she was trying to tell me..). So I considered this. Asking myself, "what makes my heart leap"? I looked to the Lord through his word and prayer. I looked around me at my current circumstances. I thought about areas in my life where I desired growth. And somehow and for some reason the word JOY kept coming to mind. By nature I'm learning I am very much a pessimist so I often refuse joy and for some reason choose frustration, anger, or apathy. Also, I'm a realist, so often joy is difficult when I see the state of the world for what is it. I think JOY is going to be literally life changing is that I have a need to revamp my definition of joy. When I'm waiting, anxious, annoyed, confused, etc. I can't seem to grasp joy. My understanding of the Lord and His joy is so shallow. Though in the midst of this first month of January many many people and families around me are struggling. They are in seasons of drought. seasons of suffering. How can there be joy is seasons where you are staring at death's front door? How can there be joy when there is so much sin and rebellion in the world? How can there be joy when you just want to sit and ask the Lord why? How can there be joy when you are disappointed yet again?
There is joy for those who are in Christ Jesus. There is joy because we have hope in what's to come. There is joy because I deserve death and wrath everyday but Jesus chose to be obedient to death on a cross so that I might have life. JOY. May I not allow the world to define my joy. May I not allow the world to steal my joy. May my joy be full and complete in Jesus. May my joy be defined by the cross of my savior!
So this year my prayer for myself is that
I may find joy in healing
I may find joy in patience
I may find joy in new beginnings
I may find joy in faithfulness
I may find joy in persistence
I may find joy in change
I may find joy in the mundane
I may find joy in disappointments
I may find joy when my desires so unmet
I may find joy in having my hands open for the will of the Lord
I may find joy in each day and in every moment and all circumstances.
May I see more and know more of the Lord in the year 2015. Teach me. Mold me. Change me.
But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
John 17:13
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