Home for Christmas

This might be all over the place. This past few weeks my thoughts have been all over the place. I have sat to put words on this screen and my thoughts just couldn't be put into sentences. So, tonight I'm going to give it a try.

The phrase "I'll be home for Christmas" sits differently with me tonight. As I listen to Dave Barnes rendition of the song I wish I knew for certain this would be true for my entire family. I wish I could say with great confidence that my family would gather together at my Nana and Papa's house around the tree, but the Lord is doing big things in the midst of this season and this just might not be so.

Home- described many different ways by dictionary.com. My favorite being; the dwelling place or retreat for an animal. But really home can be so many different places for someone. I am learning more and more of my view of home. When I think of home I automatically go back to the place where I spent over eighteen years, but that place wouldn't have been home without the people who created each memory my mind quickly goes to. I am very familiar with this place I call home, but I do believe no matter our dwelling place home would be wherever I found my daddy who protects, my momma who serves, and my two older brothers who...well were a bother joy. So Christmas this year will I be home? No. My home will be incomplete. My brother will not be back till almost July of 2013..guess we could have Christmas in July?!?!

But that's not why my thoughts are so scattered nor does it have to do with the big things the Lord is doing. Home does though. Our littlest addition continues to keep us all on our toes with much anticipation. A week ago today he had just went through open heart surgery. He had complete repair of his heat defects that he was born with. (I am not going to talk like I know what I'm talking about when it comes to his surgery. The only thing I remember is that he had four tears/holes somewhere and the latter part of the name of the condition is the doctor who identified the defect.) Our sweet Brinkley is fourteen weeks old and his place of dwelling has been the hospital for nine of those weeks. Seven weeks in Greenville and thus far almost 2 weeks in Charleston. So how do you describe home for this little guy? Home can't just be in a place. He hasn't had the privilege of knowing the comfort or warmth of a home much at all. The only dwelling place that is familiar to him is a hospital bed. A place that I myself have become too familiar with these past two weeks. Never have I ever wished to walk the halls of MUSC Children's Hospital as much as I have the past few days.  His "family" tends to be growing though. He has had so many sweet nurses caring for him each and every hour of the day. His mother and father have been pleading with the Lord to heal their sweet baby. His big brother just wants him to run and play! And more people than we can count have heard his story and have been praying for him. Home for this sweet boy has to be wherever those who love him are. And all those who love him most are in the Upstate. As Brinkley's big brother Reese would say, "Charleston just needs to come nearer".

I digress and go back to the song "I'll be home for Christmas". Our prayer is just that for our sweet Brinkley. Tonight is the eve of yet another procedure. Tomorrow he will receive a pacemaker. He still waits for the oxygen tubes to be removed from his tiny throat and we hope for IV's to be taken out. To see that sweet boy lying on the bed hooked up to all sorts of machines and tubes coming out from just about everywhere is heartbreaking. I pray that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I pray that in 11 days the entire family (minus Jeremy) will gather around Nana and Papa's tree. I pray that as the Lord sends him and his parents through this season that someone will see a glimpse of the gospel and that his parents will be drawn nearer to the Lord. I pray that we all will see the steadfast love and grace of the Lord. I pray that we all will be home for Christmas! 

These are pictures from last week from before his surgery. I can't wait to cuddle this cute face again soon!

remembering

Tonight I sit and write about a theme that the Lord has put in front of me for the past few months. Remembering. Remembering His faithfulness. Remembering His promises. Remembering the ways He shows Himself to me. Remembering His love for me.

This semester I have been going through the Old Testament. Seeing how God remained with Israel and how often He told them to set up remembrances made me go back and think of seasons I needed to build monuments to remember. To go back to those places where God showed his faithfulness and his love to me. Go back to those places where God had brought me out of a wilderness and into a promise land.

This week has taken me back, forced me to remember. A year ago I jumped on a plane with a group of girls, few of which I really knew, and headed to a land I barely knew. Little did I know that ten days there would change me. I quickly feel in love with the small faces and enjoyed every moment ministering to the many people we met. The Lord taught me so much about myself and my need to go. He also surprisingly confirmed my place in ministry with Campus Outreach. The Lord also brought new and lasting friendships that I had been longing for. He took me out of a season of loneliness and into a promised place of His gracious providence.

Tonight I remember the sounds, the smells, the big brown eyes, the constant motion. I remember the sweet boys who just needed a second chance, the children who rejoiced over a quick bathe and plate full of rice, the humble women who sat before me as a scrubbed their feet and painted their toes, the sweet women who joyfully gave their lives to the ministry of Jesus Christ.  I do long to head east again soon, but for now I am here and hold tightly to the sweet memories of India.

my safe place

Yesterday marked the end of my 6 week journey through Deuteronomy with Beth Moore. This journey has been truly intriguing. What I thought was just an old testament book of law has become so much more. This study has become a place where I have built a monument of remembrance. Studying the cycle of the Israelites I have learned why the Lord has asked us to "do this in Remembrance". Our easiest pit is becoming so satisfied with what life has to offer and sometimes (most times) these are blessings from the Lord himself that we forget the Lord. We forget what we have come from. We forget grace. We forget mercy. We forget our Father, our Creator, our Healer, our God. We must remember the works of the Lord or we will fall into sin of making ourselves our own god. We must remember or we become prideful and arrogant in our own abilities (which were given to us from Him so you think it'd be easy to remember).

Yesterday we ended our time in Deuteronomy 33 and 34 (which makes complete sense since those are the last 2 chapters of the book...). Boy did/do I love reading 33:26-29!

"There is none like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens to your help, through the skies in his majesty. The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. And he thrust out the enemy before you and said, Destroy. So Israel lived in safety, Jacob lived alone, in a land of grain and wine, whose heavens drop down dew. Happy are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord, the shield of your help, and the sword of your triumph! Your enemies shall come fawning to you, and you shall tread upon their backs."

My safe place is in the Lord. No matter where this journey leads me I am "safe" in the Lord. This promise isn't saying that I will never hurt or that I will never be in danger. The Lord has called me to battle. He has called me to take the gospel to the wolves. So I will go praying the whole way that the Lord would use me and protect me and I my strong-willed, self-righteous self will rest under the wings of the Lord. So often I fail at this. I trust more in me to protect and all my self protecting tactics lead to is riding the bench. I allow myself to stand on the sidelines just watching war waging around me because of fear and doing what I think is right. I am "protecting myself right out of a calling!" (Beth Moore)

So as I close this book I desire to remember. Every time I see these pages I will be reminded of the works of the Lord and the daunting cycle of the Israelites. I desire to live a life remembering Jesus and I can best do that by talking about him! So let my lips never shut. Open your mouth and remember. And as I live to do this I know that I am dwelling in my safe place. In the place with my Savior. In a place were grace is lavished and mercy reigns. A place where blessing pour down like rain. A place that may lead to suffering, but this suffering is for my sanctification and it is good. A place where I am armed with shield and sword. A place where I can rest in the arms of my Redeemer.

joining in on the fun!

So today I am finally joining in on of the with Miscellany Monday from lowercase letters. Every Monday my friend Carissa writes on the miscellaneous things of her life. So here i go...

1. I love birthdays. And there is nothing better than celebrating birthdays with friends. Last Monday I turned 25 which I have been a little hesitant about but there is no stopping time! So I'm 25 and a week today and so far so good.

2. We had our Fall Retreat this past weekend in Rock Hill. We spent all day Saturday at Carowinds and that is when I began to realize that i wasn't 18 anymore. By the end of the day I was exhausted! The weekend was great though. I had lots of good time with the girls from CSU. We also heard the gospel clearly presented 3 times and the students were challenged to make Jesus their treasure.

3. Completely random but I wanted to share! Please visit this website! http://www.chachaforchange.com/ There is a family at my church here is Charleston who is raising funds to build a home and start a ministry near the hospital downtown for families who have to come to MUSC children's hospital for an extended period of time. Check out there story and there journey over the past two years. But if you are going to be in Charleston on December 1 register for the second annual Ansley's attempt! They need 3300 people to make this happen!

4. So it's been over a month since sweet little Brinkley was born! Little Brinkley is still in the hospital and still needs your prayers. He continues to have a little difficulty with feeding. Yesterday the family got to meet Brinkley through the window they were all so excited! Here's a video of the meeting! Thanks Stephanie for sharing!

              (I stole these photos from my aunt...I wish that i could have been this close though)

today begins a new season

Just yesterday I was 24 and I claimed that 24 would be "my year of possibilities". And it was just that. I put myself out there and tried things I'd never done before, accomplished goals, and grew up a bit. But today I am 25. This day is bitter sweet because 24 was so great and I let me be me and I opened myself up for change. I was excited and joyful for a whole year about the possibilities life might throw at me. So I sit and think why should 25 look any differently. Over the course of the past year I have begin to see that the Lord does not want anything but for me to walk in obedience and seek opportunity in each day. This truth has opened me up to enjoy life and all that my God has created! This year the Lord has just as much or even more in store for me than the last. I am excited to begin this season and walk on the path the Lord has planned out for me.

Also, this weekend I was able to not only put on my 8th bridesmaid dress but I was able to celebrate the marriage of 2 very special friends. I have had the joy to love and encourage these friends in their relationship not only with each other but also with the Lord. They have been dear to me for several years now. Their relationship has had there ups and downs like any other relationship but I will say that I have never seen such a relationship that speaks the gospel so clearly. The way they were pulled apart for seasons and kept fighting for each. They love each other with all their being. You can see the joy that they bring each other through their love for each other. Just like the Lord delights to love his children and Christ fights for a relationship with each one of his people. Watching these two individuals be joined in matrimony was a beautiful celebration! The vows that said to one another and before God brought tears to my eyes. These who were once far off have been brought together and made one. Their story speaks forgiveness, redemption, and now victory. I was overjoyed (and a little anxious) all weekend just knowing that their marriage will do wonders for the Kingdom of God.

so a new season today. another year. another friend married. the Lord continues to teach much of him and much of myself. He continues to stretch me and take me places of humility and growth. I am excited for this new year I'm excited for new friends and old friends and being joyful for friends who are also walking into new seasons!

 Ben and Kay's wedding reception! She was one beautiful bride!

 mom and dad stayed all day sunday to surprise me for birthday dinner!

my friends helping me celebrate! the Lord has blessed me with some pretty great friends and this is just a few! thanks for celebrating me!

fearfully and wonderfully made

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, 

when I was being made in secret, 

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

An often read Psalm today means so much more to me than it did a week ago. The truth that I have believed for many years is so much sweeter today. Today marks one week. One week since the birth of another cousin. I didn't really grow up a whole bunch of kids in the family other than my two brothers. Seeing as my mother and father are the only ones who thought it would be a good idea to have more than one kid and the fact that my mom's brother and sister are several years younger than her I was 14 before another youngin' was added to the bunch in Piedmont. It has been a joy though to be able to love on babies and babysit for my younger cousins. I digress. Brinkley James Holder was born to my uncle and aunt at 34 weeks. Brinkley came in at a whooping 3.2 pounds. Though I have yet to touch his tiny toes or hold his small hands this sweet boy is precious to me. Brinkley isn't only a preemie but also has been diagnosed with down syndrome. Many people in this world would look at this child and see no hope. They might even say his life will be worthless. But when I see that sweet face I see a boy who has been fearfully and wonderfully made. My Father in heaven has formed his body and He knows the steps which lie before him. My Father looks at Brinkley and says, "It is good." I am looking forward to watch Brinkley grow and develop and to experience the joy which I know he will bring to everyone his life touches. In just a week many people have been able to see his life and say "The Lord is good." If only people could look at each day of my life and see the goodness of the Lord. My soul truly sees this psalm in a new light. My soul now knows well the wonderful works of the Lord. 

Brinkley still has a long road ahead of him. Please join with us and pray for the little guy! We do know he will have to have heart surgery (probably at the beginning of the new year). Also, pray for his new family as mom, dad, and Reese (his big brother) adjust to the change of having a new baby. 

sweet Brinkley

                                                    Reese man meeting his little "bruhder"

eyes wide open! Brinkley's first day to wear clothes

The Holders' (first new family photo)

the excited Big Brother! 

And I got to spend time with the Big Brother while the little guy's mom and dad were still in the hospital!

My prayer for Brinkley is a prayer that I have began to pray for my own life and that is that people would see his life and unmistakably see the love, grace, mercy, and redemptive power of Jesus. That they would see him and see that the Lord has been at work in him and through him. 

So sweet little Brinkley I can't wait to hold you. I look forward to look back on this day and be able to say thank you to the almighty God we serve. To praise the Lord for how far you have come since week one. I love you already and pray that you know today that you sweet boy are loved by many many people and that the God who formed your body has big plans for your little life. 

                                                                                  

                                                                                

learning from a warrior

So today I write to just say thank you. The Lord has taken me on a journey and every year as I look back I realize that the roads I am traveling are not my own. These roads have never been seen as right to my flesh. My flesh tells me that there is so much more to this life, there is so much more joy to be found with a job that pays more, that I will be more satisfied with more in my closet or on my walls, and that if only I could find a husband life would be complete. But my soul sings with great joy. Why? Well because my soul sees the roads I am traveling belong to the Lord. My soul sees that I am living now for eternal glory with Jesus. My soul rejoices at places I have been and the places I will go. Who knows what lies ahead because you could have asked me a year ago if I would be where I am now and I would've laughed. 

So how did I get on this journey? (well other than giving my life to the Lord) I am coming to the realization I am where I am due to the warriors God has placed in my life. Now you wouldn't find pictures of these warriors in the Webster's dictionary, but maybe beside Ephesians 6. There have been older women in my life who have shown me what it means to walk with God. These woman have been  warriors in life. They have taught me how to love people like Jesus, to take great delight in the Word (Psalm 119), and how to commune with the Lord in prayer. Some young and some old but these women have all played a part in my "warrior in training" program.

Recently I had the privilege of sitting down and learning from one of these warriors. She shared with a group of young women about her prayer life. This time was more than encouraging. Her dependance on the Lord through prayer is convicting, but pushes me forward to become a warrior. I wanted to share her methods. 1. she prays scripture. The truth that the Word tells us is that his word does not return void. 2. she intercedes for people and so she can remember she writes their name and request on an index card. She saves the same card and adds request until the card is full. 3. she prays for missionaries. She keeps their post cards and other information. She prays for the country, their needs, and their desires. 4. she prays through an attribute of God each day and meditates on scripture that claims that attribute.  After spending only an hour with this warrior I felt the need to spend hours upon hours with her and just learn from her life and her walk with God. 

No matter where the Lord takes me if I could just take with me one thing form each of the women and put it into action I will be in good hands. I will be in the hands of the Lord. All these women have taught me something different, but each one rests in the hands of the Lord. Thank you Lord for giving me warriors.